Dan and Terry’s Stupid Conversations

Pandemic Pounds, Dad Bods, Belly Shirts and “Matic” Depression


Dan and Terry have lunch every day on a bench in the courtyard between buildings in their office park. They have awful conversations proving they are the perfect combination of clueless and boring.

Terry: You’re eating a veggie wrap?

Dan: Yup. Still shaving off pandemic pounds. These guys only saw me from the nipples up for almost a year. They had no idea down below I was doing a Nutty Professor in reverse. Like Benjamin Button style.

Terry: (shaking his head) Gained weight. You’re allowed to just say “gained weight.”

Dan: You don’t get it. I had a dad bod when I wasn’t a dad. Then I became a dad, and my body didn’t change. So it was like I was ahead of the game.

Terry: Strangely… that actually makes sense to me.

Dan: Right??

Terry: I already regret saying that.

Dan: I was rocking the Mustang GT of dad bods. Now I just look like a dad. A real dad. I’ve got side boob! When I put on jeans I’ve got two choices with my belt line. I can go under the gut. And you know what that means. Full t-shirt overhang.

Terry: Oh no.

Dan: That’s right. Changing a light bulb. Reaching the high shelves in the supermarket. Even scratching the top of my head. Constant threat of showing more naked belly than the Britney-Christina Cold War of 1998.

Terry: I couldn’t live like that.

Dan: Not many men could. So I decided to be brave. I’d sacrifice my dignity. I’d lean in and accept my birthright.

Terry: So you’re…

Dan: Sailing the Equator. Jeans pulled straight up to my belly button.

Terry: (shivers) But wait. Can you call it your birthright if you didn’t have it at birth?

Dan: How do you mean?

Terry: Well you didn’t get a gut until you had a kid. Followed by a global pandemic. And then a workstation seven feet away from your fridge. Absolutely none of that was predicted at your birth.

Dan: Okay fine so it’s my baby’s birthright?

Terry: Your daughter’s birthright is to have a dad with subcutaneous fat deposits?

Dan: Kids need to learn to dream small in the 2020s.

Terry: So we’ve got the boy who lived under the stairs. And the girl whose dad rubs cocoa butter on his stretch marks?

Dan: How did you know?

Terry: Because you smell like a Werther’s Original right now?

Dan: (sniffing) At least I don’t smell like a freaking underground poker game.

Terry: Don’t start. I get enough grief at home. Even if go a week without smoking, she still says she smells it on me. Starts coughing and wheezing.

Dan: (skeptically) Really? She does that even when you haven’t lit up?

Terry: I swear to God.

Dan: So you think she’s faking? Just to bust your balls?

Terry: You know her. She’s not like that. I just think it’s all in her head.

Dan: So it’s matic?

Terry: It’s what?

Dan: It’s matic. Like when people feel symptoms but it’s all their imagination.

Terry: I think there’s a different term for that.

Dan: It’s the only one I know. When I was a kid my crazy neighbor always complained that our dogs crapped in her yard. She said she could smell it.

Terry: I am fascinated to see where this is going.

Dan: I walked the dogs. I knew where they crapped. And when they played in the yard, we were with them the whole time. No way they got into her yard.

Terry: Yes Danny. Please keep going. I haven’t felt this way since the Burn Notice series finale. I knew it was going to be terrible but I had to see the flaming finish.

Dan: So I asked my dad what she was smelling. He just waved his hand and said “That psycho’s so matic.”

Terry: …

Dan: What?

Terry: Have… have you used that word your whole life?

Dan: Since I was a kid.

Terry: (wincing) Still… post Google. Has Soph ever heard you say that?

Dan: Of course. She’s the one who explained it to me. I was 10. I didn’t understand what dad said. So she broke it down for me. And she’s sorry she did. You know how many times I called her “matic” when she had her time of the month? Ha!

Terry: And how’d that work out for you?

Dan: Her friends laughed at me.

Terry: (pressing a contact on his phone) Hey.

Sophie: (over speaker) Hey. I’m about to go into a meeting. What’s up?

Terry: I just want to apologize for sneaking a smoke.

Sophie: (speaker) This couldn’t wait until you got home?

Terry: Well I think I deserve an apology, too. You know. Given your history.

Sophie: (speaker) History of what??

Terry: Your history of being SOOOO matic?

Sophie: (speaker) … Hahahhahahahhahahhahahahhaa!

Terry: (doubles over laughing)

Sophie: (speaker) Oh my God! I’m crying.

Dan: I don’t get it.




I’m writing on WordPress now at https://notoriousdci.wordpress.com And feel free to check out my stuff at https://www.thrillist.com/authors/christopher-daniels

Love podcasts or audiobooks? Learn on the go with our new app.

Recommended from Medium

kachoris and india

DFR Men’s Jutti

Expiration Day Gifts: For The Soon-To-Be Departed

After Nanny Marigold fell asleep, an illustrated microstory by Tais Teng

Board Games Reimagined for the Coronavirus Pandemic

Lost In Hollywood With The Star of Lost in Space

Getting Noticed

ostrich, substack fiction, medium fiction

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store
Christopher Daniels (Notorious DCI)

Christopher Daniels (Notorious DCI)

I’m writing on WordPress now at https://notoriousdci.wordpress.com And feel free to check out my stuff at https://www.thrillist.com/authors/christopher-daniels

More from Medium

YA Valentines

Imposter in the Doorway

Let’s Talk About Elden Ring, From the Perspective of Someone Who Has Only Played Dark Souls 3 For…

Fresh: Love at First Bite