Dan and Terry’s Stupid Conversations
Pandemic Pounds, Dad Bods, Belly Shirts and “Matic” Depression
Dan and Terry have lunch every day on a bench in the courtyard between buildings in their office park. They have awful conversations proving they are the perfect combination of clueless and boring.
Terry: You’re eating a veggie wrap?
Dan: Yup. Still shaving off pandemic pounds. These guys only saw me from the nipples up for almost a year. They had no idea down below I was doing a Nutty Professor in reverse. Like Benjamin Button style.
Terry: (shaking his head) Gained weight. You’re allowed to just say “gained weight.”
Dan: You don’t get it. I had a dad bod when I wasn’t a dad. Then I became a dad, and my body didn’t change. So it was like I was ahead of the game.
Terry: Strangely… that actually makes sense to me.
Terry: I already regret saying that.
Dan: I was rocking the Mustang GT of dad bods. Now I just look like a dad. A real dad. I’ve got side boob! When I put on jeans I’ve got two choices with my belt line. I can go under the gut. And you know what that means. Full t-shirt overhang.
Terry: Oh no.
Dan: That’s right. Changing a light bulb. Reaching the high shelves in the supermarket. Even scratching the top of my head. Constant threat of showing more naked belly than the Britney-Christina Cold War of 1998.
Terry: I couldn’t live like that.
Dan: Not many men could. So I decided to be brave. I’d sacrifice my dignity. I’d lean in and accept my birthright.
Terry: So you’re…
Dan: Sailing the Equator. Jeans pulled straight up to my belly button.
Terry: (shivers) But wait. Can you call it your birthright if you didn’t have it at birth?
Dan: How do you mean?
Terry: Well you didn’t get a gut until you had a kid. Followed by a global pandemic. And then a workstation seven feet away from your fridge. Absolutely none of that was predicted at your birth.
Dan: Okay fine so it’s my baby’s birthright?
Terry: Your daughter’s birthright is to have a dad with subcutaneous fat deposits?
Dan: Kids need to learn to dream small in the 2020s.
Terry: So we’ve got the boy who lived under the stairs. And the girl whose dad rubs cocoa butter on his stretch marks?
Dan: How did you know?
Terry: Because you smell like a Werther’s Original right now?
Dan: (sniffing) At least I don’t smell like a freaking underground poker game.
Terry: Don’t start. I get enough grief at home. Even if go a week without smoking, she still says she smells it on me. Starts coughing and wheezing.
Dan: (skeptically) Really? She does that even when you haven’t lit up?
Terry: I swear to God.
Dan: So you think she’s faking? Just to bust your balls?
Terry: You know her. She’s not like that. I just think it’s all in her head.
Dan: So it’s matic?
Terry: It’s what?
Dan: It’s matic. Like when people feel symptoms but it’s all their imagination.
Terry: I think there’s a different term for that.
Dan: It’s the only one I know. When I was a kid my crazy neighbor always complained that our dogs crapped in her yard. She said she could smell it.
Terry: I am fascinated to see where this is going.
Dan: I walked the dogs. I knew where they crapped. And when they played in the yard, we were with them the whole time. No way they got into her yard.
Terry: Yes Danny. Please keep going. I haven’t felt this way since the Burn Notice series finale. I knew it was going to be terrible but I had to see the flaming finish.
Dan: So I asked my dad what she was smelling. He just waved his hand and said “That psycho’s so matic.”
Terry: Have… have you used that word your whole life?
Dan: Since I was a kid.
Terry: (wincing) Still… post Google. Has Soph ever heard you say that?
Dan: Of course. She’s the one who explained it to me. I was 10. I didn’t understand what dad said. So she broke it down for me. And she’s sorry she did. You know how many times I called her “matic” when she had her time of the month? Ha!
Terry: And how’d that work out for you?
Dan: Her friends laughed at me.
Terry: (pressing a contact on his phone) Hey.
Sophie: (over speaker) Hey. I’m about to go into a meeting. What’s up?
Terry: I just want to apologize for sneaking a smoke.
Sophie: (speaker) This couldn’t wait until you got home?
Terry: Well I think I deserve an apology, too. You know. Given your history.
Sophie: (speaker) History of what??
Terry: Your history of being SOOOO matic?
Sophie: (speaker) … Hahahhahahahhahahhahahahhaa!
Terry: (doubles over laughing)
Sophie: (speaker) Oh my God! I’m crying.
Dan: I don’t get it.